Why Everyone Else on the Road is an Idiot

Posted: February 17, 2011 in Rants

Why is everyone else on the road, other than myself, a complete fucking idiot?

This is a question I often ask myself.  I’m sure you, gentle reader, often ask this question as well.  If you do not, I suggest you stop reading my blog, because you’re probably one of the mouthbreather’s I’m about to describe below.

First off, I really can’t stand the people that just sit there behind a non-moving car when another lane right next to them is completely empty.  This is terrible.  Ok, that car in front of you is turning left, we get it – since we have two lanes of road I’m going to go around you while you sit there with your jaw open breathing up all my air.  Seriously, how dumb are these people?  Do they honestly have nowhere to go?

The one that really kills me is when I pull out of my driveway.  I live on a relatively busy 4-lane road.  I generally back out of my driveway and onto the road.  Since I live about 400 feet from a busy intersection, often times people will be turning down onto my street.  When I pull out, I then have to engage the car to go the other direction – people will frequently just drive right up onto my bumper and wait there.  I have experimented before with just sitting there, doing nothing, while there’s no oncoming traffic from any direction and a clear open lane next to us and people will STILL just sit there doing nothing instead of going around.

Now, this isn’t a really bad offense because its not hurting me – I’m either going to go around the slowthinker standing still or I’m the person blocking traffic and they’re the idiot behind me doing nothing – but it makes me wonder – these people are out on the road with me!  Someone out there gave these people of no-more-than-average intelligence a driver’s license, and I have to share the road with them.  What are they thinking while they’re at a dead stop instead of engaging in active locomotion?  A terrifying thought.

Another person out there that kill me without actually impacting my drive too much is the non-signaller.  These people are completely oblivious to everyone around them.  Scary isn’t it – they truly think they’re the only person on the road, or at the very least they know there are other people but they are completely oblivious to those around them.

A variation on this one is the perpetual signaller – you all know the kind.  Driving a Buick, doing 55 mph in the left hand lane.  Left turn signal endlessly blinking.

But, we also get the non-signaller driving aggressively.  These people are dangerous.  And they’re almost always driving god’s gift to the automotive kingdom, a BMW (more likely than not a used 3-series).  This knuckledragger of a driver will weave in and out of traffic, varying their speed to whatever is faster than everyone around them.  They’re obviously too cool to signal because in their mind they’re not just on the autobahn (where strict lane discipline and signal use is actually very common and appreciated), they’re on the racetrack!  Since they’re on the race track they have to be faster than everyone else because they need to get to the tanning salon so they can get the good bed.

Now, speed variance is a big problem and one of the major causes of accidents – so driving significantly faster than traffic is a big problem and dangerous.  However, driving slower than traffic is pretty much just as bad.

This driver really kills me – going significantly slower than everyone around them.  Now, this bedwetter usually is just minding their own business, but they don’t realize that they’re essentially a moving obstacle to the other drivers blending with the flow of traffic.  However, sometimes they DO know what they’re doing.  I call these people Enforcers.  They actively go the speed limit or below it and seek ways to prevent others from going around them, by any means necessary.  This is an easy task on rural roads with limited passing opportunities, but I have actually seen these people speed up and slow down, varying their speeds on multi-lane roads and using other motorists to block anyone from passing them, lets the rule of law be sullied or their honor be insulted by another motorist effectuating a pass.

Also – keep in mind that these morons not only cause accidents, they also cause traffic.  Traffic is caused in large amount by variances in speed.  Its the enforcer in the left lane preventing everyone else behind them from proceeding smoothly at a decent pace which causes traffic for everyone else.  Lets find these people and burn them alive.

And finally, my personal favorite buffoon on the road – the street racer.  The stoplight racer is bad enough.  No, I don’t want to drag race your 1993 Geo Prism on my way to work – leave me alone.  Yes, you will force me to recognize that by virtue of the fact that you purchased a small-penis-substitute, your automatic, all wheel drive car can out-accelerate me from point to point.  That makes you very cool.

Even worse though, the highway roll racer.  I love these morons – they’ll pace your car to the exact speed, honk three times, take off and let their flashers go.  After being ignored two or three times they will usually go away (at drastically extra-legal speeds).  I’m still waiting for the day when one takes off, only to pass them moments later pulled over by the police.  Hasn’t happened yet, but when it does I will be happy.

So, in summary – I think the age of driving should be the same age as that of consuming alcohol.  Take that for what you will.  I think that a mandatory 6-month learning period should be enforced, requiring professional instruction.  I think that all driver’s tests should be taken in a manual transmission (I believe manuals encourage paying attention, though I did brag at one point in college of being able to talk on the cell phone, smoke a cigarette, shift and steer simultaneously).  I think that drivers should be required to re-test for their license every 5 years or so.  And I think anyone who makes a turn without using their signal should be pulled over, dragged out of their car, made to kneel on the side of the road and summarily executed with a bullet to the back of their head.

  1. Jennifer says:

    I once had a highway rollracer do this to me going north on I-35 between Austin and Dallas. I said to my then-boyfriend (who was understandably pissed off), “Don’t worry, they’ll get their come-uppins.”
    10 minutes later, we passed him in a ditch. =)

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