Archive for December, 2012


Dear Santa:

AMG Mercedes-Benz Santa

This year for Christmas I’d like you to fuck off and die in a fire.

Whoah, I know, isn’t that a little harsh?  Aren’t I worried you might not buy me a toy?  Listen you god damned Nazi poster child of a bloated elf – I’ve had it with the last few years.  You sold out, ok.  You sold out to commercialism and for what?  What did they offer you?  Did they drive a dump truck full of money up to the North Pole?  Did they threaten to kill the Reindeer?

I don’t care – you’ve done the unforgiveable.  You’ve given your likeness over to Mercedes-Benz of all people – Mercedes-Benz!  At first, I had figured that they simply misappropriated your likeness in all of their arrogance, but then I realized, they’re law abiding Germans so you must have gone along with this willingly.  You were just following orders, right?

it sickens me – your selling out, of course, but also that they would have the arrogance to assume that you would even want to drive their vehicles.  On a side note, do you even have a valid driver’s license?

santa claus mercedes benz 500 k roadster

I mean, admittedly, yes, Mercedes-Benz used to make some fine automobiles worthy of being driven.  But now?  Come on Santa.

Today, Mercedes-Benz is the luxury car for people who know nothing about luxury cars.

They’re overweight, they’re numb, they have all the latest technological advances available to a 2006 Honda Accord purchaser.

What you REALLY should be driving is something appropriate to you – something, perhaps, Dutch?


That’s more like it.

I mean, let’s face it – you’re an interesting and unique guy.  You deserve something more fitting than some overengineered, mass produced, bloated land barge like a Mercedes-Benz.

You at least deserve a Spyker.  Celebrate your Dutch (or Belgian, or Luxembourger, I’m not really sure which) heritage with one of their finest.

Otherwise, what are you when you drive a Mercedes-Benz?  You’re just another of the unwashed, mouth-breathing masses.  A brand new Mercedes-Benz says nothing other than the fact that you know nothing – it is a choice for vulgarians.  That company died to me around 1998 or so.  In fact, today, they’re worth half of BMW – the market has spoken.

santa clause computer

And let’s face it, they’ve essentially abandoned the performance market.  They have minimal victories in the racing world, their glory days being the early 90s DTM era.  In fact, the entire AMG branch is just chariots for douchebags and dudebros.  They’re essentially the modern day equivalent of a muscle car – more power than the chassis can handle and all brutality, no finesse.  The Mercedes-Benz of today is more fit for the Krampus than Santa.

Anyways, while we’re at it, since I’ve been so nice this year, I’d like a Pussy Magnet Yellow Porsche 996 GT3 for daily use and a Viper Green narrow body, air cooled, rear wheel drive, small bumper 911 for touring duty.