The Mercedes-Benz CLA is a Giant Dry Hump

I would engage in some heavy petting with this car

Wow, that’s a hot car.  Look at that thing.  Look at those sweeping lines, the beautiful headlights, the tasteful wheels, the obvious nods to aerodynamics such as the front lip and sideskirts, and a marked dearth of vents, scoops, wings, and other tasteless, tacky accoutrements.

This car visually knocks it dead.  Part of that is functional – it is rumored to have a coefficient of drag of just 0.23 – supposedly the lowest of any production vehicle on the planet.  Now, of course it has all the “luxury” crap that I don’t give a shit about, but it’s also powered by a delightful little 2.0L motor pumping out 208 hp and 258 ft-lbs of torque, thanks to direct injection and a turbo.  So, we’re two for two.

I’m going to consider the transmission neither a plus nor a minus.  The negative being it has an automatic transmission.  The positive being that such automatic transmission is in fact a dual clutch gearbox with 7 speeds, which shifts faster than I can.

And then we kill it.  The driven wheels – FRONT.  That’s right, this drop dead sexy semi-boner inducing car routes its power through the FRONT FUCKING WHEELS.  Why, Mercedes-Benz, why?  You came so close to building a car I want to drive (well, you did with the C-class until I actually drove it and found out it drove like a half-cooked Soba noodle).

Now, I know you’re going to say “The consumer doesn’t care” – well I’m not the consumer, I’m me.  I also know you’re going to say “Well, you can get it with AWD”.  You know what, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR AWD!  I don’t give a shit if it can route 90% of the power to the rear wheels, until the fronts start slipping, it routes 100% of the power to the front wheels.  That sucks.  That’s stupid.  That makes me hate this car for getting sexually aroused only to be stuck with blue balls once I find out that it won’t do a proper burnout.

But, again, what do I know – it’s a $30,000 Mercedes-Benz – it will sell in droves to aspirational young adults who have communications degrees from a liberal arts college and work in “marketing.”

 

These new electric cars are shockingly attractive

I’m pretty impressed with the current crop of electric vehicles.

Yeah, that’s right.  I mean, sure, the Leaf, the Volt, the Prius – they look like multivitamins on wheels and have about as much style and sex appeal as a Kitchenaid (actually, I think my wife is sexually attacted to hers).

These new cars, however, they look like something I might even want to drive.  Now, I’ve never driven any of them – so let’s go off looks alone, shall we (that philosophy served me well in College).

OG stands for “original gangster”

 

We’ve come a long way since General Motors killed the electric car.  The originator of the “new” electric car craze has got to be the Tesla Roadster.  Now, they took a shockingly ugly car as the basis for this, added a few billion pounds of batteries, broke transmissions, never got it to deliver the range or speed they promised, yet still, the car is appealing.  It’s outrageously expensive so it’s clearly got the “exclusive” factor going for it (although more of a self-indulgent weiner parked outside of starbucks than a true connoisseur thing).  But more importantly, rumor has it that the car actually works.  It’s supposed to have full torque from 0-whatever RPM, which always makes for a fun car, and should get 100 miles or so on range.  That’s plenty for heading to the local Whole Foods and picking up some cardio-bunnies (well, you’d only really have room for 1 – and not many groceries, considering the batteries taking up all that space and whatnot).  Nonetheless, this car gets a “sorta cool” approval from me.  Not quite a “want”, but definitely an interesting vehicle.

Here is where I would quote Cadillac’s slogan, but I have no idea what it is.

Now we’re on to a car that definitely raises some interest.  From what I can understand, this is essentially a rebadged Volt, which, if you’ve read anything I’ve ever posted, is one of the deadly sins for which I hate automakers.  However, in this case, I’ll let it slide for two reasons – 1) The Volt is an interesting car, and solves the problem of “range anxiety” in a novel way, although I’d prefer if the “range extender” were a diesel rotary motor or some sort of turbine, but what do I know about constant RPM efficiency, I’m a lawyer.  Anyways, – 2) This car is drop dead sexy.  Also, it has a power assist sliding cupholder.  ‘Murica.

No, this is not a prop from “Tron”

Finally, the BMW i8.  I know nothing about this car.  I mean, I think it’s electric?  Who the fuck cares.  Look at that thing.  I want to lick it.  My god.  The curves and lines and shape and proportions and everything except those stupid Donk ass wheels.  It looks like a 12 year old’s lego creation got snatched up and turned into a working vehicle.  They’re actually going to sell this?  How much is it going to cost?  How much can one of my children fetch on the black market?

 

 

The New Corvette is Shockingly Ugly

I mean, really, really ugly.

I’ve always been a fan of the Corvette.  I’ve always thought that it offered an appealing combination of performance and price.  It’s the car all of us could one day afford if we worked hard and saved.  It’s one of my four automotive “icons” that I hold in awe as an example of relentless refinement and brand purity (Corvette, Wrangler, Miata, 911).

It’s always had its issues.  There are complaints of interior quality, or unrefined, primitive powertrains, but those have all been dealt with and put to rest.  Corvettes have always been attractive, stylish cars.  For every person like me who sees a performance bargain (0-60 in under 4 seconds, brakes from the C6 Grand Sport and 1.0 lateral g in the stock, base model) there are going to be 2 people who just want one because it looks cool and says “SPORTY!”

Except now, GM has gone and done it again.  They’ve pulled a Pontiac.  What have we here – parts bin body bits – tacked on vents, scoops, rakes, flares, and why not – let’s just get lazy and use the Camaro rear end.  Not to mention QUAD exhaust – how much do you want to bet those are just tips?  My 4 year old would love this car, because it looks like one of his Hot Wheels.  And if that’s what you’re into, then this car is for you.

Me, I prefer a little restraint and taste.  I learned about “attention” after driving a Pussy Magnet Yellow 911 on a daily basis.

And speaking of Pontiac – you know what my favorite design by them of all time was?

Sleeper.

That’s right.  The GTO.  No flares.  No scoops.  No vents.  Just an anal suppository on wheels with a giant fucking V8 crammed in the hood and more torque than the tires could handle, sent through the two rear wheels.  Debadge this sucker (or rebadge it as a G6) and you’d have one hell of a sneaky car.

Of course, this car did not sell well as a Pontiac – the consumers wanted stupid vents and spoilers and other bits, and they got them at the end of 04 and through 06, when the car was killed and replaced with the G8 (also complete with spoilers and vents and other things that look like they were tacked on at the trailer park by a mulleted meth-head).

Anyways, what I’m saying is – GM, you done fucked up.  I’m sure you’ll sell a million of these cars, just not to me.

Well, that was 2012

Happy New Year!

Here’s some automotive erotica to remember 2012.