The Mercedes-Benz CLA is a Giant Dry Hump

Posted: January 18, 2013 in Rants
Tags: , , , , ,

Mercedes-Benz CLA 250 Edition 1, (C117), 2012I would engage in some heavy petting with this car

Wow, that’s a hot car.  Look at that thing.  Look at those sweeping lines, the beautiful headlights, the tasteful wheels, the obvious nods to aerodynamics such as the front lip and sideskirts, and a marked dearth of vents, scoops, wings, and other tasteless, tacky accoutrements.

This car visually knocks it dead.  Part of that is functional – it is rumored to have a coefficient of drag of just 0.23 – supposedly the lowest of any production vehicle on the planet.  Now, of course it has all the “luxury” crap that I don’t give a shit about, but it’s also powered by a delightful little 2.0L motor pumping out 208 hp and 258 ft-lbs of torque, thanks to direct injection and a turbo.  So, we’re two for two.

I’m going to consider the transmission neither a plus nor a minus.  The negative being it has an automatic transmission.  The positive being that such automatic transmission is in fact a dual clutch gearbox with 7 speeds, which shifts faster than I can.

And then we kill it.  The driven wheels – FRONT.  That’s right, this drop dead sexy semi-boner inducing car routes its power through the FRONT FUCKING WHEELS.  Why, Mercedes-Benz, why?  You came so close to building a car I want to drive (well, you did with the C-class until I actually drove it and found out it drove like a half-cooked Soba noodle).

Now, I know you’re going to say “The consumer doesn’t care” – well I’m not the consumer, I’m me.  I also know you’re going to say “Well, you can get it with AWD”.  You know what, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR AWD!  I don’t give a shit if it can route 90% of the power to the rear wheels, until the fronts start slipping, it routes 100% of the power to the front wheels.  That sucks.  That’s stupid.  That makes me hate this car for getting sexually aroused only to be stuck with blue balls once I find out that it won’t do a proper burnout.

But, again, what do I know – it’s a $30,000 Mercedes-Benz – it will sell in droves to aspirational young adults who have communications degrees from a liberal arts college and work in “marketing.”

 

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