“Once I was a Lesbian” or “I owned a Subaru Outback Sport”

Posted: September 18, 2014 in Rants
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I hate Subarus. I really do. The only thing I hate more than Subarus are the people who drive them. No, not lesbians or people with dogs. Mostly those flat-brimmed wearing Ken Block fellating dudebros who think because they put some RallyArmor on their mom’s Legacy that now they’re Hoonigans, or whatever. I don’t know.

Also, anyone who thinks a flat-four with an unequal length exhaust manifold sounds good needs to be punted in the gooch.

That said, I did buy one once.


I don’t know what really possessed me to purchase the car. I think it was some sort of desire not to pay anyone to plow my driveway anymore. The car was seriously a tin can. No, it wasn’t rotted or rusted, but man, was it rattly and cheap. The motor was anemic while simultaneously returning miserable fuel economy. It did, however, go wherever I told it to go, and I didn’t need to plow my driveway all winter. Thank the 205/60/15 Firestone Winterforce tires that I picked up. I also happened to have the snowiest January on record in 2009 so I guess it was a good choice given the circumstances.


Not satisfied with the floppy ride quality and psychadelic cloth interior, I proceeded to modify my car by debading it and throwing on the cheapest TireRack off-brand “Sport Tuning D5” wheels I could find in 15×6.5, with BF Goodrich g-Force Sport tires in 205/60/15 (which weren’t really that bad).

I also did some super sick rally mods, brow, by adding a TCS front strut tower brace, White Line “Flat Out” 22mm front and rear sway bars (huge compared to stock) and some KYB AGX adjustable shocks. I kept the stock springs because I wanted the ride height and utility.

fart cannon

Not satisfied with the “boxer rumble” I added a used fart-cannon from eBay in the form of an APEX’i N1 exhaust, which did absolutely nothing for performance and made the car sound like shit. The intake I added also did nothing to assist with forward motivation.


So, aside from the fact that it handled like shit, accelerated like shit, looked like shit, and sounded like shit, it wasn’t a bad car. It always started, never broke, and could go over anything I threw in front of it.


It truly was the definition of a “beater”. The problem being, I used to use a BMW Z4 as a winter beater, and that, too, had no issues in the snow. And I’ve been using my Miata as a winter beater and that, as well, has no issues in the snow. And trust, both of those cars are considerably more fun than a shitbox Subaru.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s