“Once I was a Lesbian” or “I owned a Subaru Outback Sport”

Posted: September 18, 2014 in Rants
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I hate Subarus. I really do. The only thing I hate more than Subarus are the people who drive them. No, not lesbians or people with dogs. Mostly those flat-brimmed wearing Ken Block fellating dudebros who think because they put some RallyArmor on their mom’s Legacy that now they’re Hoonigans, or whatever. I don’t know.

Also, anyone who thinks a flat-four with an unequal length exhaust manifold sounds good needs to be punted in the gooch.

That said, I did buy one once.

stock

I don’t know what really possessed me to purchase the car. I think it was some sort of desire not to pay anyone to plow my driveway anymore. The car was seriously a tin can. No, it wasn’t rotted or rusted, but man, was it rattly and cheap. The motor was anemic while simultaneously returning miserable fuel economy. It did, however, go wherever I told it to go, and I didn’t need to plow my driveway all winter. Thank the 205/60/15 Firestone Winterforce tires that I picked up. I also happened to have the snowiest January on record in 2009 so I guess it was a good choice given the circumstances.

summer

Not satisfied with the floppy ride quality and psychadelic cloth interior, I proceeded to modify my car by debading it and throwing on the cheapest TireRack off-brand “Sport Tuning D5” wheels I could find in 15×6.5, with BF Goodrich g-Force Sport tires in 205/60/15 (which weren’t really that bad).

I also did some super sick rally mods, brow, by adding a TCS front strut tower brace, White Line “Flat Out” 22mm front and rear sway bars (huge compared to stock) and some KYB AGX adjustable shocks. I kept the stock springs because I wanted the ride height and utility.

fart cannon

Not satisfied with the “boxer rumble” I added a used fart-cannon from eBay in the form of an APEX’i N1 exhaust, which did absolutely nothing for performance and made the car sound like shit. The intake I added also did nothing to assist with forward motivation.

off-road

So, aside from the fact that it handled like shit, accelerated like shit, looked like shit, and sounded like shit, it wasn’t a bad car. It always started, never broke, and could go over anything I threw in front of it.

winter

It truly was the definition of a “beater”. The problem being, I used to use a BMW Z4 as a winter beater, and that, too, had no issues in the snow. And I’ve been using my Miata as a winter beater and that, as well, has no issues in the snow. And trust, both of those cars are considerably more fun than a shitbox Subaru.

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