Archive for February, 2015

1999 Range Rover P38

Posted: February 24, 2015 in My Cars
Tags: , ,

I’d been searching for a Land Rover / Range Rover for a few months.  Every time I went to buy one it got purchased out from under me.  I found one which I thought was nice, and had my brother in law buy it for me. IMG_1393



The car has a brand new Electronic Air Suspension, a very solid 4.0 liter engine (despite being badged 4.6 HSE?) and a nice transmission.

It drove beautifully on the way back from Westchester, only to refuse to start the day after I got it home.

About two weeks later my friend came over with his P38/GEMS program and an OBD-II cable to scan the car.  Everything was in sync, so we set about fiddling with electronics connections, cleaning things, etc.  One of the tests included me setting the car to max high, crawling underneath in the melting snow and putting my hand on the starter as he tried to start it.  PULSE.


I bashed on the starter with Range Rover Repair Tool #1 (rubber mallet), re-tightened the battery connections and she fired right up.

Later that evening I loaded my son into the car to get a wash.  Waiting in line we played with the monster rally lights, the raising and lowering suspension, and even the rear fog lights (so that’s what that button does).  He quickly declared “this is the coolest car of all time!” – this coming from a kid used to being chauffered around in V12 BMW Supercoupes and Porsche 911s.

I took the car in for an inspection and the shop also had a detailer on premises.  I paid for an interior detail and all I can say is wow – totally refreshed and like new – they told me because the leather was high quality to start out with it came back to life super nice.


The car pretty much refuses to die.  I believe that as long as people make fun of it and joke about when it will die, it will continue to run.  Only when people finally respect it as the fine, durable machine that it is will it decide to finally kill itself.

Along those lines, I took the truck off-roading.

Its performance was exemplary.  The Jeep guys couldn’t believe that it hung with them (on all-season garbage tires nonetheless).  The only place I got stuck, another heavily modified Jeep also got stuck.  I can’t imagine what she would do with real tires . . .

. . . so after getting a flat I used this as an excuse to replace all of the garbage Kumho all-season tires with some real BFGoodrich KO2s – and let me tell you – these tires are the real deal.  They are nearly unstoppable in anything I’ve thrown at them.  More importantly, I went subtle with OEM sizes instead of that garish “look at me and my big ass tires” look – mainly because I already have an above-average sized penis, and I also have 5″ of height adjustment so no need to look foolish all the time when I can lift the car with the push of a button.  These things have kevlar in them to survive brutal contact and all sorts of crazy tread and sipes – even in the sidewall.  Where I would hit the brakes, engage ABS and slide on the old tires this thing just stops.  Amazing what modern technology can do.

The downside?  Car is slower because they’re definitely heavier.  And fuel economy has dropped from 14 mpg mixed to 11 mpg mixed.  But then again, only poor people care about fuel economy.


Malt Liquor

Posted: February 16, 2015 in Rants

Ice Cube drives a Porsche.
I drive a Porsche.
Ice Cube drinks St. Ides.
I should drink St. Ides.